Letter to my young self

Dear Tweety,

Misunderstood

Awkwardly built

Unsure of the depth to your beauty no matter how much you pretend

Your make believe worlds are fun, but you escape to those places to be listened to

Michael listened, Prince listened and your baby doll Chartreuse Magenta Cara, she listened

Ms. Billie Holiday strutted  her stuff to the record player in that black dress Mama bought from Goodwill but never let you wear outside the house 
You kept your spunk and raced so fast down the block to Mackenzie street when Tookie and Lawrence won, teased and called you a baby.

You helped us forget all the bad, the beatings and the fingers in places they should not have been

Please know that you will remain innocent forever

I thank you for always remembering to play

Love Rosalind & Deniece 

Dear, love of my life

are you here
in front of my eyes
and I don’t see you there? or
are you on a journey
from the ends of the earth
to me?

if you are coming
sit in the window seat
not in the aisle
distractions may steal
your love for me
and you’ll never make it

I’m waiting for you now
I know you thought you lost me
I was lost
in the ghost houses
of my past
with a stranger, not my soulmate

when you get here
look at my hands
free
from baggage
free
from endless silver rings
that once held meanings but
don’t anymore

Give me meaning
my life
tattered will be renewed
in your presence
virginal again
worth something
for you and me
together at last here
in front of the doubters and haters
hate no more

your strength will protect me
defend me
your loyalty will mend
my brokenness
no one will betray me again
you won’t betray me
you’ll be here to stay
and we’ll take a one way ticket
to happiness

Possibility Impulse

My deal?
Impulsive
for the possibility of a thing
because I want it so bad
I want change now
why face what I’ve done
the mess I’ve made
the tests that I struggle through
I’m sincere
but fail to trust myself
my past accuses me
my present condemns me
and freedom always escapes me
Yet I still want
my dreams
the ministry
I do not will out of destiny
it’s not my will actually
not being able to place my finger on it
leaves me undecided
the Word says that “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways”
but
there are three distinct voices in my head
telling me to go ahead
telling me to do it
telling me to not
I pause
breathe
and question God, myself
and the three
with me since way back when I could first remember
I doubted myself when I thought I was right about
him
her
about my life
I was not in control of what happened to me
or him
or her
but now I don’t cry about me or what could have been
because he’s dead
she might be
and I, well
alive and I can be who I want to be
stand by it without a doubt
if I can get to the place of decisiveness
by the end of this year, the ten second countdown
will lead me to a new year of
yes
no doubt
no impulse even for the possibility of that thing
called freedom of choice
my choice to slow down
and be still. 12.26.16

If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.
 dont-dig-up-in-doubt

Disobedience to the Label

My job
pride
discretion gone
so I listened to God
followed my dream to create
but in between the
wood
paint
silver findings and canvas
I lost my voice
shouted down silence
because I was broke and broken
my name is my name
on my birth certificate
my claim is that while I create art
I die just enough to defer my first gift
not based on a dollar
only on a testimony and a promise
I was already equipped with all needs to produce
the melodies, the flow
when I go to that joyful place
I dare call it happiness
my mind debates walking out in faith or
continue to hold my ears while I wait for the money
to call me my name
I am who I am and will be
because God gave me the
first gift
I must obey Him in disobedience to the label. 11.14.16record-label

She is in my mind

they are there

Inside me but not all of me just my mind

The part of me that has the common sense

Wild heart, the ruthless attitude, silent consent

And fear

Of getting what she had 

becoming what she came

Forgetful

Absent minded

Losing the will to speak or eat

The not remembering that just because the news man is talking to you, he’s not really talking to you

It’s just a pattern not real flowers on the couch and your mama is not my mama but your first born

I have always been there inside myself since I can remember

Bryden, Central, Epworth and Central again. Not mere addresses, but homes that a corner was labeled just for,

Silence, she had no name then

Tweety, silly and a conformist 

Denise, discovered and full of advocacy for all of us

Rosalind, she never became until, well, she is my face, so many faces that are tired of being,

Controlled…

She says be guided by Him, Jesus, you trust Him, don’t you?

How could He hover over and not intervene when I had no voice

No strength to fight back

No one to fight for me

When mama beat the voice out of me while teachers, students, neighbors watched

I am not silence but she is me. I am not silly, she is me. Advocate is,

He, she is inside of me

I fear losing sight of her

Forgetting

Absently being unaware of her scent

Losing will to speak to eat to sleep

she is inside of me

I am worth more

it’s okay for me to demand more for myself and not settle for less than what God has for me in a relationship. 

If there comes a time when you are in a relationship with someone, and you are accepting all the things that you always said you would never accept, it is time to have the tough conversation with them on goals. 

If they are not willing to change what they can to fight for you then you have to move on. 

At what point as women do we decide in our lives that less is more? Is it because we had an absent father so any man will do? Or did we grow up in an abusive dysfunctional family and we know we shouldn’t be abused in our heart of hearts but this is all we know?

I was explaining to a friend that I have experienced every kind of bad relationship with male and female alike and now God wants me to have the best second half of my life with a relationship that I deserve. 

An artist friend of mine wrote a song called “when it gets real”, and today it got real. I have advocated and rescued others and never received a rescue as God can only give. Today I heard Him whispering to me, “people can’t rescue you when I have already rescued you. I am your advocate Rosalind. I sit on the right hand of my Father interceding on your behalf. ”

I had never heard Jesus’ voice so clear as I heard it this day. 

I had sat for hours explaining what I needed to have in a relationship because of what I  never had in my life. To be taken care of as I have taken care of others emotionally, financially in my mind body and soul. Now it was my turn to receive these same sacrifices from the other person that I so readily give without reciprocation. 

Well, even though I have had this conversation a few times in my life, I never really waited to hear God speak after all the communication between me and the other person. 

When it got real in my marriage and I finally asked for what I was giving, he left. When it got real with a person that I was so faithful and loyal to and walked in on one of his others, I asked for what I deserved and he resolved that I wasn’t worth what I gave because he couldn’t change. I have many more when it got real moments, But when it got real today it wasn’t because there were intolerable things that Noone could ever live with. I refused to live with it unless there was action taken immediately because talking a good game for 15 months and actually being about it is a waste of both our time. In the real ness of asking for what I needed and realizing that if I have to keep asking for it maybe it’s not in Gods plan for me. 

The thing is if the person is the one for you, then if you have to ask in more ways than one, it’s begging and you need to stop.

Well I wasn’t rescued or fought for, sure it hurts and I cried (am crying). But what God revealed to me was so much better. He already healed my heart for this. If I never go through anything how can I be a testimony to others? This is my life’s ministry. 

So I’m worth more than accepting the chronic contentment that being complacent brings. If you have no future individual goals that you’re pressing towards, how can you have relationship goals with another person?

It does hurt because on the surface he seems perfect but not for me. 

I am worth more. 

  

I am an expert on me

this week I sat in on a Lunch n Learn at work with our organizations life coach guru. He shared many insightful and in your face words and actions to live by points. 

One point was to “Be an expert on you”

I’ve learned that now in my very early 40’s that I know myself pretty well. The good the bad and the beautiful (I won’t say the “U” word) It took years to accept and live in my skin. Don’t get me wrong I still have my double-minded moments but I make a decision about the direction of my life and I stick to it. Be it right or wrong in others eyes. 

As a people pleaser all my life, I learned the hard way. Shove my thoughts feelings and beliefs away so that there is no conflict, to be liked, to make peace and to live life according to “you”. So many precious years were lost trying to fit in, be everyone’s friend and place others on a pedestal neglecting my own needs. I dropped my basket way too many times because I failed to know that I am not a people pleaser but a God pleaser and a Rosalind pleaser. 

I think about my first CD release ministry event, and how inhibited I felt to actually share the details of myself because members of my family and some friends from work were there. I didn’t want to hurt my families feelings and I didn’t want to make my mother feel as if she was a horrible mother to me growing up. I also didn’t want to taint my image by bringing up  past experiences that God had delivered me from and make anyone feel uncomfortable. 

My deliverance was not based on anyone’s opinions of me. In the big film of it all, what mattered was the overcoming that others were to have by my testimony. 

I am unapologetically who my Creator has molded me to be. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Not perfect but being perfected everyday as I walk with Him. 

I’m forgiving myself for taking Romans 12:10 so literally and esteeming others higher than myself. When it truly means to take delight in honoring others as a form of respect not in abuse of my own well being. 

Today, I don’t feel guilty about separating myself from organized religious systems because I understand that it is about my Relationship with God through all that I am in Jesus Christ. At the end of my day, it resolves to my worship, my prayers, my service to Him. I take joy in that because it’s real and I share my testimony and His Word to all who will receive. I believe in church as family and a safe place to encourage share and be encouraged while doing Gods work in our communities. 

Being the expert on my life is freeing. I have opened up creative levels within myself to grow and minister as He intended for me.